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| They always ask whenever they see me so cheery and bubbly. "Are you over him?".
I cannot lie so I tell them the truth.
I am not over what we had. It was the closest thing to love that I've ever come to know. The happiness. The immense joy. The intensity of our conversations. Boy, you have no idea how much I miss it all. I would give up the world just to feel that way again. Honest.
When I talk to you now, it's like I don't know you anymore. Our conversations now are equivalent to that of strangers. Hi. Hey. How have you been? Good. Good?Glad to hear that. We have lost that spark already.
So, yes I am over you. Simply because you aren't the person I know anymore. You've turned your back on me and it hurts to see you walk away. My heart breaks every time I think about it. Tears form at the corners of my eyes. My voice cracks whenever I brave my emotions to answer those questions.
Somehow, I feel so mortified for allowing myself to believe that I saw something in you. It's like seeing a faint light at the end of the hallway and you walk ahead in search of it. But that light suddenly stops shining midway. Every time I think about it I feel like ripping the insides out because of my stupidity. Why did I allow myself to believe? Why did I let you hold my hand that night? Why did I allow you to kiss my lips? Why didn't I push you away? Why didn't I listen to Tribal members that it was written all over you when they said you'd end up breaking my heart anyway? Why do I oppose everyone else? Why do I want to still give chances when people rarely do so?
I wasn't supposed to fall for you.
Why did you say 'I love you' that Friday after your week-long absence? Why did I hear and sense that vibe of clinging onto this for dear life in your voice (you caught me off guard with the genuineness of tone)? Why, then, did you choose to walk away?
Teh Je Sen. Why did you leave me to bleed?
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| Where the fuck is he when I need him? He's so distant lately. Maybe I'm insensitive but maybe I'm just hoping for something that never really was there in the first place. The first week.
Maybe all of it was just a figment of my imagination. An illusion. What if it never really existed and all he is playing at is my heart?
We are lacking something. Magic, perhaps.
I think I'm delusive.
*
It's been a year over since I've truly fallen head-over-heels for someone. But this time, again, I feel my heart breaking again. This time, worse than the other.
I'm not in control. I'm submissive.
I feel like a woman having unrequited love.
I love him. And he'll never know just how much I do.
(partly because he doesn't read this blog, so sue me for crying my heart out)
*
I need to be that girl again. Strong and independent. Doubleyouteeeff
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| I aced Chemistry! Ohmygawd. I feel so freaking proud of myself. Yep, yep I do. All the hard work of attempting moles were definitely worth it.
But Bio and Moral are going to suck - big time.
Conversely, Physics, Maths, Add Maths & History went well. Ade's the bomb. Hah!
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| Ade's feeling fat.
I feel bloated from all stuffing food down the food-pipe into the food-pit. It makes me feel like starving for 3 years. I'll go for a run later, after tuition. Studying and sitting down all day makes me feel internally "dirty". It makes me feel like a fat lazy slob. And I don't like feeling like an unhealthy slob.
Let's just hope that throughout the whole of next week activities will help me sweat and "cleanse" my body. First up, tomorrow there's cheerleading. Yesssssssssssss! Tomorrow: Rehearse dance I & II.
Grrrr.
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| Songs like "Dance With My Father Again" and "Butterfly Kisses" just make me burst into tears. Every darn time I listen to it, I'll just start crying.
Dayumm.
Ok. That was really random. And it was too short to post it on Blogger, so that's why it's here on Xanga.
1st term test's week after next. After that I'll be shipped to some weird place in Perak for MPYO camp. Damn it! Just when I thought I had time to relax and enjoy. Honestly, I'm not really looking forward to the camp. I'd rather be in Penang, chilling with the girls and going for YE.
Yes yes. I'm YE addicted.
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